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Our testers are incredibly adept at putting into words what they feel on their feet. But every now and then, a synapse misfires or maybe the creative juices flow a hair too fast and something truly odd comes out. Here’s a handful of quotes from the test cards that didn’t make it into the reviews (some from skis that didn’t make it into the issue at all).
“Fabulous control…like a good hairspray.”
“A bit like Jennifer Lopez: has some girth, but sexy enough to dazzle the bad boys.”
“Like skiing with two frozen, dead fish on your feet.”
“Monica blows (sorry, couldn’t resist).” The ski’s code name was Monica.
“As smooth as Tom Cruise in a 500-gallon tub of butter.”
“Kind of like Wal-Mart: It’s got everything you need, but you just don’t want to go there.”
“Bangs out turns like a Mormon wife bangs out kids.”
“Like a cold, tall, creamy milkshake, but the milk’s gone bad.”
“In powder this ski floated like a turd in a swimming pool.”
“Like a bad date: boring, lifeless, and sticks you with the check.”
“Sucks up the terrain like a newborn baby on the nipple.”
“A mongoose on meth.”
“Like Robert Downey Jr. — you could be in big trouble with this one.”
“Who’s yer daddy?!”
“The skis you want when your wife is yelling at you and you need to get away fast.”
“You have to plan so far in advance to make a turn that you’ll have to log a flight plan with the management at the ski area.”