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After celebrating decades of a nearly kook-free retail space, snowboarding joins the ranks of tennis, football, golf and skiing as a safe-haven for gimmicky performance enhancing products.
Thanks to the “Boarder Kontrol” system, neophyte snowboarders can now have a heavy, hand-activated break mounted directly to their snowboard.
This revolutionary new product catapults snowboarding into the realms of pre-dawn infomercials—nestled right in between slots for Girls Gone Wild and the Shake Weight.
But fear not our sideways sliding brethren, you are not alone in your plight. Look only to skiing, which has survived the sled dog, the snowblade, the scorpion, CADS, the tele-revival of the early 2000’s, beaver tails and more. Each time skiing has rebounded from “lame” to “pretty cool bro” with nary a stumble.
In fact, snowboarding should embrace this new approach to marketing. Look only to golf, which in 2011 had a total economic impact of $176.8 billion in the United States alone. From Laser Putters to the Potty Putter just one element of golf is bigger than the entire face mask game you and your buddies have been trying to take over from your mom’s basement for the past six years.
So rejoice, anyone with a bad case of insomnia, bag of Cheetos, a clicker and a fantasy of fancy pants clad glory can be a snowboarder too!