$1,500; dimensions: 121/74/108
Along with the art of seducing 20-year-old runaways, Italian yachtsman can add building skis to their resumes. Like his lavish sailboats, Luca Bassani's Wally Magic boards are handmade by a team of shipbuilders familiar with high-end carbon-fiber construction. Gripes: Carbon graphics don't jibe with a chinchilla-fur coat. Props: Looks superb slung over shoulder of white one-piece. Tester's Take: "Check out the core shot on my starboard ski. Or is it my port ski? I can never remember."
$2,535; dimensions: anorexic
Yes, these skis have quilted-leather top sheets. Coming next from this confused fashion house: sequined surfboards and velour mountain bikes. Gripes: Stack you edges and the leather shreds like a worn-out sofa. Props: Seeing that no one will actually ski on these, that's nothing to worry about. Tester's Take: "They remind me of the leather chair at therapy. I hate you, Dad!"
Kneissl Crystal Edition
$2,673; dimensions: gaudy
Layered with diamonds, sapphires, and rubies, these downhill divas rip corduroy and support diamond mining. Gripes: Snow blindness is nothing compared to Swarovski crystal glare. Props: Carves through hardpack and your savings. Tester's Take: "They were stolen immediately."
Ferrari Race Carve GS
$2,994; dimensions: 116/66/101
Midlife Crisis? Strap on a pair of Ferrari racing skis. With just 149 pairs in production, you'll run only minuscule chance of sharing a chair with someone as bald and rich as you. Gripes: You're constantly getting pulled over by patrollers. Props: Carbon-steel edges bite icy corduroy like a scorned mistress. Tester's Take: "Sure they're fast, but where the hell are you going to get them serviced"