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Real Men Don't Miss a Season

Originally published under a pseudonym in our January issue of 1984, this story has become viral fodder, circled around the internet (often with credit attributed to authors who did not pen the story). Its suggestions are still relevant, and certainly humorous.

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Tore up your knee playing hoops this fall?  Are your buddies already razzing you about missing the season?  No problem.

One needn’t actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing; just simulate the psychic and physical sensations.  Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone:

Drive slowly for five hours––anywhere––as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re tailing an 18-wheeler.  Stop at any gas station that serves food.  When the waitress asks what you’d like, order an upset stomach because that’s probably what you’ll get anyway.

Visit your local butcher and pay $75 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour.  Afterward, burn up two $50 bills to warm up.  It’s not real skiing but it’s close.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face.  You’ll almost believe you’re skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.

Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.

Wear après-ski boots everywhere––even when in the shower.  For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.

At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag and poles.  Make believe you’re looking for your car.

For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.  This will save you from losing it later.

Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $7.50 for a hamburger.  Be sure to wait in the longest line.

Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year.  Inch ahead with the crowd but don’t go in.  Do this 12-18 times.

To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a Caribbean resort.  When you arrive, toss a Krugerrand onto the beach.  Then try to find it.

To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods––with your eyes closed.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket flop around and lacerate your face.

None of these activities are really skiing, but all of them sure feel like it.