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Blowing Smoke


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DJs Jon Lawrence and Biff America are cohosts of “Ski the Rockies” on KOA 850 AM, a 50,000-watt Denver station. You can hear their noise from 8:00 to 11:00 a.m. Sundays, November through April, in eight Rocky Mountain states.

Biff: Well, Jon, chalk one up for common sense and the counterculture: Several major ski resorts have dropped their pre-employment drug-screen requirement. God bless ’em, they’ve woken up and smelled the hemp.

Jon: Biff, you ignorant slut. Mightn’t the real reason you’re so pleased be that now you and your entourage of ex-cons and freeriders can score a liftie gig?

Biff: Jonny boy, you’re a fan of drug testing for the same reason your wife closes her eyes while making love to you: It’s a drag watching someone having a better time than you.

Jon: Not true, my mood-altered friend. She closes her eyes so she can fantasize that I’m Regis Philbin.

Biff: Hey, she’s only human…. What we were talking about again?

Jon: See, that’s my point. Simply put, it’s a public-safety issue. When some 19-year-old with more piercings than a Cajun queen’s voodoo doll is at the wheel of a 500-passenger high-speed quad transporting VIP types like myself up the mountain, I’d prefer that he not be suffering from chemically induced ADD. Heck, I’d even support random screening for Red Bull and Skoal.

Biff: Good God, man, look at the headlines. When was the last time they read, “Fiery T-Bar Crash Kills Hundreds?” If the resorts are so concerned about maintaining a high-quality workforce, pay a wage people can live on. I don’t care what my snowboard instructor did last night, as long as it wasn’t to my wife.

Jon: Ironic how a tax-and-spend commie liberal like yourself invokes the tired old “pay ’em more and they’ll do a better job” argument. Following that logic, the Firestone engineers could have designed a bulletproof tire if only they’d gotten that raise. Instead, we’re driving on wheels that delam at 15 miles per hour with the slightest prick.

Biff: Speaking of pricks…¿never mind, I’ll concede the point and defer to your extensive knowledge of rubber products.

Jon: And consider the local economy, Biff. Imagine the financial hit taken by health-food store owners who are left with cases of Clean Pee on their shelves, not to mention the urine-for-rent entrepreneurs left holding the bag, so to speak.

Biff: I’m in no way condoning the cavalier use of drugs-except for really old people…makes the time go slower. I admit that I do sometimes need help managing my glaucoma, but a guy named Dicky prescribes everything I take, I swear. To those ski resorts that have the good sense to do away with drug testing, I say, “You have my support, and I’m ready to work.”

Jon: I can’t wait to slide up to a chairlift this winter and have a kid in a resort jacket who bears a sharp resemblance to a young Hunter S. Thompson, in a cotton-mouthed moment of confusion, ask me, “What floor?” Thanks, I think I’ll walk up the hill.

So, what do you think? Should ski resort employees be submitted to random drug testing? Tell us what you think by voting in the ski poll on our homepage, by sending us an e-mail, or by going to our forums for a chance to win… a shiny new sticker.