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How do I keep my balaclava dry?

Ask Dr. Flake

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Shut your hole. An open mouth stimulates the salivary glands to secrete. When you drool on your pillow, for example, an open mouth is usually to blame. A balaclava can pull your lips apart (or you could, like Flake, be mouthing the words “holy shit!” at every mogul). But closely monitoring your salivary glands and swallowing your drool can only help to a point. Though we see our nifty sweat glands as proof of human evolution, we still transfer moisture the same way our favorite four-legged beasts do: by panting. Each human exhalation contains 5.9 percent H2O. You emit significant water with every breath you take. On the slopes, the water exits your mouth and nose and slimes your balaclava. Remedy? Buy a balaclava with a “lightweight thermal conversion module,” made by a company called Psolar, and let Flake know if it actually works. Or, get loaded, eat salty crackers, and smoke a lot of cigarettes to ensure a dry mouth