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Ask Dr. Flake

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Panty trees are where lucky ski bums or betties toss from chairlifts the underwear they collected the night before after knocking boots, especially with a stranger. If you lack the goods to contribute, it means you wear too much perfume or cologne. (And you wear too much perfume or cologne if you’ve ever asked if you’re wearing enough.) Of course, only Maxim and Cosmopolitan can guarantee that the singles line leads to the euphemistic bumpy ride on the proverbial double chair…as it were, if you know what I mean. But research proves panty-tree decorators a) never request the DJ spin Hootie & The Blowfish, and b) always wear clean Hanes.