Sick Bird Santa

Last Chair
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It seems Santa's hard life at the North Pole, seasonal affective disorder (SAD), endless mediation meetings with Elf Union lawyers, and cold weather induced gluttony has pushed Mr. Bowlful-Of-Jelly into the Lower 48 for more than just his annual one-night stand. Last January, the jolly old elf ditched both sleigh and 24-hour darkness in favor of an Alta pass and some fatties. "I just had to get out of there," sighs Santa.

"I swear, on December 26, every employee starts bellyaching about all the tinsel and toys they've got to make for next year. And it's not like they even start working for another ten months!" Now Santa has a whole new outlook on life, which may not be so great for the elves. "I'm shutting down the North Pole plant and shifting production to Southeast Asia," says Santa, who plans to ski 140 days this season. "Let's see how those whiney little freaks get along without me and the reindeer coalition."